Those New Year's vows should include goals for your family, experts say

By Janet Simons
Denver Rocky Mountain News Staff Writer

What do you hope to accomplish in 2001? Planning to lose some weight? Jog? Keep a journal?

Do you also have goals for your family?

If not, today would be a good day to set some.

"People usually don't think about family goals, but they should," said Dr. Jeffrey Dolgan, director of psychology for Children's Hospital of Denver. "We set goals in all other aspects of life, and imagine what things would be like if we didn't. Imagine playing sports that had no goals or attending schools that had no goals.

"Families need to assess their growth and progress if they're going to change and improve."

But it's important to "keep it doable," Dolgan said. "Commit to a process, not an endpoint."

For example, you could work on paring down activities so everyone could eat dinner together most nights. You could set up family meetings to promote better communication and less bickering.

This isn't rocket science.

Charles Fay of Golden's Love and Logic Institute advises parents to use sticky notes to remind them to hug their children.

"I like to make goals very concise and specific," Fay said. "It makes the family a better place, for example, if parents hug their children when they see them for the first time after school, instead of grilling them about whether they've done their homework and chores.

"Parents tell me, 'But I keep forgetting,' and I tell them to put sticky notes up all over the house that say: 'Hug first. Nag later.'

"Put a sticky note on the bedpost. Put one on the toilet seat. The key to learning is repetition."

Fay says he personally uses the sticky-note system for all kinds of goals.

"I tend to have bad table manners," he said. "It's a guy thing. So I put sticky notes around the house that say, 'Table manners."'

Littleton resident Barbara Coloroso, author of Parenting Through Crisis: Helping Kids in Times of Loss, Grief and Change, is a regular on Canada's National News, where today she's talking to Canadian parents about the importance of family resolutions.

She isn't asking for "grandiose things, but rather that parents commit themselves to spending time with their children," she said.

"I'm suggesting that families take time each day for each member to ask three questions and review the answers: What did I accomplish today? What did I struggle with and fix? What do I still need to do, and what's my plan for getting it done?"

A former teacher, Coloroso said she developed her parenting philosophy in the classroom.

"I would go over these questions with my students each day," she said. "They work even with kindergarten children, where the answer to 'What did I accomplish?' might be 'I wrote my name.'

"It's also important to acknowledge accomplishments that have to do with getting along with people — shoveling the walk for an elderly neighbor, for example.

"But the critical question is 'What's my plan for fixing a problem?' Because when children get into fights in school or forget to turn in their papers, they need to learn what to do next.

"The problem with New Year's resolutions is that when people fail, they tend to give up. This routine teaches them to assess their failures and learn from them instead. It helps both adults and children master a healthy lifelong skill."

Fay also believes New Year's Day is an appropriate time for parents to reflect on the deeper messages they send their children.

"Parents are always talking to children about their weaknesses," he said. "They need to remember that successful people get that way by putting their energy into what they're really good at. So parents should resolve to encourage their children's strengths.

"When I was a kid, I wasn't a good student," Fay said. "But I loved tinkering with cars, and I was really good at it. One of the best things my father did was tell me I could always make a living fixing cars.

"When kids feel good about their strengths, it gives them energy to tackle their weaknesses."

Dolgan says it's important for parents to bring their children into the self-assessment process.

"Get them started by asking what their highs and lows were for the past year, then thank them for sharing," he said.

Parents who want to steer their children in setting goals for themselves should let them "discover you in the act of making resolutions," Fay suggests.

"The key is having a model to show them how it's done. Let them hear you thinking out loud."

The thing about resolutions, Fay noted, is that at one point or another, you'll break them.

"So don't beat yourself up," he said. "You don't have to be a perfect parent to raise a really great kid.

"So you don't always say everything the right way. So sometimes you lose your temper and yell. When you have the right thing in your heart, it will shine through over the years, and your kids will know and respond."

Such as...

Here are some suggestions for family goals gleaned from conversations with Dolgan, Coloroso and Fay, as well as independent parenting consultant Beth Pfalmer and Family Support Line coordinator Sarah Hite.