10 things grandparents want their kids to know

By Janet Simons
Denver Rocky Mountain News Staff Writer

They're coming over the river and through the woods, Grandma — so brace yourself.

Are you ready for whining, tantrums and sass? For young Tyler to play GI Joes with the Hummels? For your grandchildren to jump on your bed, play under your table during grace and say "yuck" to any food that isn't chicken nuggets, a pizza or a hamburger?

"Parents can be blind to the behavior of their children," said Nancy Robison, grandmother of seven and author of Dear Daughter: About Your Baby! and Dear Son: About Your Baby! (both due in May).

"You like to see your grandchildren, and they're really cute," Robison said. "But you can get pretty tired of them. They need to respect other people. Even their grandmother won't want to spend time with them if they're bratty."

With a little mental and physical preparation, you can ready yourself and your house so the visit won't seem like an invasion. We winnowed the following 10 suggestions from a panel of experts that consisted of Robison, of Newport Beach, Calif.; Susan Bosak of Toronto, author of How to Build the Grandma Connection; Karen Annarino of Los Angeles, author of Stepmothers & Stepdaughters: Relationships of Chance, Friendships for a Lifetime; and Golden psychologist Charles Fay, vice president of the Love and Logic Institute, a center for parenting education.

1. Communicate the House Rules.

Annarino: The parents and the grandparents need to sit down together and develop a game plan. Discipline is the parents' job, but the grandparent might want to say, "I'm going to need your help with this."

Bosak: If you just recarpeted the living room, tell everyone in advance that there will be no red fruit drinks in the living room.

Fay: Homeowners have the right to protect their property and their sanity. You might want to have a phone conversation: "We're really looking forward to your visit. I do hope, though, that little Festus has outgrown the habit of screaming at the table. If he does that again, he'll need to go into the kitchen."

If we're at Grandma's house, and my child is about to destroy an item, Grandma has a right to take that item away.

2. Make your house child-friendly.

Bosak: If you have expensive ornaments on the tree, put them away. You and the children can have fun making new ones. Have a children's table during Christmas dinner, with one of the teen-agers assigned as guardian. Have dinner early. Let the kids get up, wander around, watch videos. Don't try to be Martha Stewart.

3. Be realistic. Don't expect too much from semi-annual visits or a new relationship with step-grandchildren.

Annarino: Children who are new to a stepfamily may be very fragile, and the holidays will be stressful. Don't put too much pressure on them. Realize that the child may be going through a stage of testing the boundaries.

Bosak: If grandparents think they'll fix all the problems they perceive during one visit with a few well-chosen words, they'll be disappointed. If you truly want to influence your grandchildren's behavior, you must have regular, consistent contact. You can't be just a Christmas grandma.

4. Speak up, with love and kindness.

Robison: At Thanksgiving, one of my grandkids took all the mashed potatoes. So I had to say, "Hey, you need to leave some of those for someone else." And he put some back. If the kids aren't helping after dinner, just say, "Would you grab that plate and take it to the sink?" Kids really like to help, but if the parents don't teach them to do it, someone has to. Just don't come on too strong.

5. Demonstrate effective parenting skills.

Fay: Grandparents who are strong can handle their grandchildren in a loving, yet strict way. The parents will see how quickly the child will adapt to it. And the child may behave a whole lot better for the grandparents than he does for the parents.

The kids with behavior problems are the ones who need their grandparents most. If the parents aren't doing a good job, the grandparent has to do a really, really good job to show the child what a healthy adult role model looks like.

6. Listen.

Bosak: Don't do or say anything until you understand what the problem is. Listening is the basis of a good relationship, and if you have a good relationship, your grandchildren will respect the way Grandma and Grandpa do things.

Annarino: Don't forget that children have a point of view, and they deserve a voice in what's best for them.

7. Provide positive experiences.

Annarino: My step-grandmother is funny, gregarious and charming. When I was a child, she told me stories about what my stepmother was like when she was growing up. I learned a lot from the tales she told, and I began to feel like part of the family.

Bosak: If grandchildren are visiting from out of town, show them where their father went to grade school. Show them childhood photos of their parents and tell juicy little tidbits about their parents when they were younger. As a standby, have a bunch of books and read a story together.

8. Make sure that any advice is welcome, tactful and private.

Fay: Parents and grandparents have to agree to disagree in private. Different parenting styles don't damage kids, but battles and backstabbing about the differences do. The key is to support the other person in the eyes of the child.

9. If you feel there's a serious or dangerous problem, muster the courage to say something.

Bosak: It's not your job to be a disciplinarian, and you just have to let the small stuff go. If it's something big, you have talk about it. But before you decide to talk to your children about a grandchild's behavior, ask yourself what your motives are. Don't do it because you want to offer a piece of your mind. Don't do it unless you have an honest concern for your grandchild's well-being.

Fay: If there's a serious problem, a week later, when the homicidal urges have diminished, call your son or daughter and say, "I know that it's really hard to raise kids these days." If your child admits to having a hard time, ask if there's any way you can help.

10. Remember why you're spending time together.

Fay: We need to remember that we didn't get together for the presents, or to admire the decorations. We get together because we love each other. We do it for the warmth we feel when we look into the other person's eyes. So if you can't handle the details, just order a pizza. Don't stress people out trying to make the perfect turkey. The kids won't remember how clean the house was. They'll remember that Grandma smiled at me, or read me a story, or played the piano with me.

Annarino: The holidays are never easy for a new stepfamily. Don't be resentful. Be open and sensitive. Recognize that these relationships are new and that the family came together because of love.

If we can step back and let the love in, we're on the way to a harmonious holiday.

Contact Janet Simons at (303) 892-2547 or simonsj@RockyMountainNews.com.