'I can never forget,' student says as anniversary approaches

By Kevin Vaughan
and Holly Kurtz
Denver Rocky Mountain News Staff Writers

JEFFERSON COUNTY -- Tears mixed with pride and resolve Wednesday night as students and teachers from Columbine High School talked about their lives since the tragedy.

They talked about gun control, about their contempt for some members of the news media, about their determination last fall to return to Columbine, about the incredible support they've felt.

And they talked about the looming anniversary of the day that changed their school, their community and their country, in profound ways.

"It becomes harder and harder as we approach April 20," said Courtney Shakowski, a senior.

She's felt knots in her stomach as she's thought about what to expect in two weeks.

"I can never forget," she said. "It will always be there."

Twelve Columbine students and 14 teachers and members of the school's staff gathered Wednesday night at the Ascot Center, 9136 W. Bowles Ave.

The gathering drew about 85 reporters, photographers and producers from around the country and a thicket of television cameras.

Though the group asked to stay away from some issues -- the controversy over building a new school library, the pending lawsuits -- they tackled a wide range of subjects during the 90-minute discussion.

A question about gun control sparked a wide range of opinions.

Several students said they would favor new measures, but at the same time laid the blame for last year's tragedy at the feet of Columbine killers Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold.

For Bev Williams, a biology teacher trapped in a room near the library for 31/2 hours last April 20, the past year has been a litany of gun violence.

There was the murder of three children by their father and his subsequent shootout with police near her Castle Rock home. The discovery of an 11-year-old boy's body in a dumpster not far from Columbine. A shooting rampage at a Wal-Mart near her home. The Valentine's Day discovery of two dead Columbine students at a Subway sandwich shop -- a girl in one of her classes, a boy she'd taught last semester.

"I'll let you draw your own conclusions about how I feel about gun control," Williams said.

But Lindsay White, a senior and the daughter of Columbine Principal Frank DeAngelis' secretary, said she believes Harris and Klebold would have overcome any obstacle to carry out their plan.

"They were just evil from the beginning," she said.

Matt Varney, a senior, saw guns as "another thing to blame."

"It's putting the blame on someone else instead of saying these two guys got guns; these two kids used their guns," Varney said.

And Lee Andres, a longtime teacher and Columbine graduate, said the problem lies not with legislation but with individuals.

"I question if making a whole bunch of laws is going to change anything if people's hearts and minds don't change," he said.

Many of those who gathered Wednesday night condemned the news media for telling incomplete stories, making allegations that they said weren't true, bothering people at their homes and questioning whether teachers and staff members did enough on April 20.

"It breaks my heart to hear that kind of stuff," Varney said. "How can you prepare for a day like that.

"It's impossible."

To a person, all said they were unbowed in their push to return to Columbine and resume their lives after the tragedy.

"There's just nowhere else where I feel like I belong," said sophomore Katie Beer, echoing the sentiments of many of those who spoke.

Andres said he never considered not returning to the school where he hung out as a kid, where he graduated in 1980, where he now teaches.

"To me that would be like abandoning my home," he said.

The people there understand us, several said. They talk more now, sharing feelings more freely in relationships forged through their common experience.

"The importance of a 'Hi' is so unbelievable," Varney said. "It can make someone's day."

Michael Sheehan, the student body president at Columbine, asked that people not send flowers or cards to mark the April 20 anniversary but, instead, take that money and contribute to a charity.

"This past year everything's been given to us and everything's been for us," he said. "This year we'd like to turn that around."